Lately, I have felt off and in a funk. I have been in a season of busyness and stress since I quit my job to start my own business. This has resulted in more stress than I am used to and a lot more deadlines that determine if my business fails or stays alive.
It has been a difficult season, and it has been hard for me to connect with God. In service on Sundays, I would often find my mind drifting to something going on in my life. At home, I find myself giving God less and less of my time because more is demanded of me at my job.
Recently, it became clear to me that I was in the wilderness and desperately desired to be brought back to the fullness of God.
I found myself praying to God that He would change my heart and bring me back to Him. However, I would still find myself resting in Netflix or video games after a long day.
This past Saturday I was going through the daily scripture reading from the CBR journal and God spoke to me loud and clear through Psalm 4.
"Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!
O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame?
How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? Selah
But know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself;
the LORD hears when I call to him.
Be angry, and do not sin;
ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah
Offer right sacrifices,
and put your trust in the LORD.
There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?
Lift up the light of your face upon us, O LORD!”
You have put more joy in my heart
than they have when their grain and wine abound.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."
The first verse describes exactly what I had been doing. Just asking God to do all the work and fix me. Wouldn’t that be great if it was that easy? Verse 2 shook me as I heard God speaking this directly to me. It was clear to me in that moment that my heart loves false idols and God was asking me, “How much longer you turn my honor into shame?”
The remaining verses reminded me of who God is. He is a God who sets His people aside for His pleasure. And He is always waiting and seeking for His people to come back to Him. It was clear to me that God had been waiting there the whole time, but I was lacking a repentant heart. I was wanting God to pull me out of the situation that I had found myself in, but in reality, He was right there with me the whole time.
It is very easy for me to get caught up in what I am doing and not think about my actions. In these verses, the Lord is inviting me to ponder my heart’s desires and be willing to sacrifice. In verse 7, He reminds me that the joy I have received in the past from the Lord is far greater than anything I have ever experienced. And that is why it is worth it to take the time to ponder my sin and to repent. No matter how busy I feel, God is the only place worthy of my rest. He has shown this through His son Jesus Christ and what Christ did for me on the cross. Jesus paid it all; there is nothing that I can do to earn God’s grace. He simply calls me to rest in Him.